i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
