You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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