I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
