if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
