Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
