he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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