you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
