I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
