It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
