Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
