Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The feeling are messing with the penis
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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