if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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