She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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