I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize