You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize