Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize