My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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