This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
