I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
