EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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