Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
