so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
