I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
