Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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