no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
