totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
