You don't have asthma, your pregnant
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
