My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize