i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
