You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
