honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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