I wannas sexs uuuuu
I am puke
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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