Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
