If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
