Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
