I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
