I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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