I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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