At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
