friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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