he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
