Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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