Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
