Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize