Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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