I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
