My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
