my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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