she was so not down for the gang bang
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
well you can't waste a boner
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
