i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
