k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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