my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
