oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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