peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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