apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
